It’s one of the most stressful periods of the year again - exams.
At this point of time I feel so strongly about us Christ-followers. Whether we make use of this time well to be His salt and light, whether we make use of this time to set ourselves apart for the non-believing to witness the greatness of God, whether we make use of this time to show God’s love through us etc.
I guess my disappointment has urged me to come here and voice my feelings out. I don’t know why no one is going around offering prayers to the unsettled, I don’t know why no one is showing support for one another in this tough period, I don’t know why each and every one of us feels so alone. Honestly I feel stranded. Being the only year 2 from NY in my lifegroup has impacted my greatly in some ways I guess. Sometimes I feel as though my lifegroup doesn’t really consider my position, sometimes I feel that I cannot fit in even with the AJ year 2s, sometimes I feel that I’m all alone in this lifegroup. Sometimes I wished that I was with the other NY year 2s in the other lifegroup. Because in times like this the loneliness really builds up on me.
But even if I’m really left alone, I am assured that God is with me. Even if no one bothers to make exam packs to bless anyone, I will make them to bless others. Even if no one bothers to offer prayers to the unsettled, I will pray for them. Even if no one remembers to be His salt and light in this period, I will set myself apart for God. I don’t want to sound like a noble saint, but enough of just the talking in church. Make your words and feelings count, make your existence in God’s Kingdom worth it. Seriously.
Back to the books again. And please don’t judge me.
You never fail to baffle me at times. At times I wonder why you would even seek opinions from a small fry like me.
First the finger pointing incident, then the Czech incident, then the SYF audition group incident, then the heart to heart incident, then now this.
I thank you for this precious and amazing faith in me all this while. It really humbles me to see how you’ve so willingly humbled yourself in front of me. I treasure this.
Though sometimes you’re not very humbling. Haha.
“I am a blessing to mankind.” WHUT.
AHS choir concert at the Esplanade tonight. It wasn’t perfect, but nonetheless it’s been a long while since I’ve been motivated enough to go for a concert.
Going for a concert is considered as one of my life’s chores. Buying tickets, dressing up, intermission, long toilet queues… adding on to Esplanade’s unique technology of having zero reception at all in the concert halls. And I don’t like it when people come in late or keep leaving their seats, because I will have to squash myself to my seat in order to let them pass.
But still, it was a great night of choral music. THEY SANG MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE SONG! Edward Elgar’s My Love Dwelt in a Northern Land. That was… enough for me.
It really made me miss singing in concerts rather than in competitions. Competitive singing sucks the soul of out the voices most of the time. My regret is that in my entire choral life, I’ve never sung in a complete choral repertoire concert. VOX 2006 was a combined concert with PRSS and we did Les Miserables. That was okay, at least we had 11 choral pieces. Audite Nos Sono 2008 and in.harmoNY 2010 saw a recycle of Beauty and the Beast. 2008 was a little pathetic, the school threw us at a tiny reception hall at the Singapore Art Museum. I didn’t really get to enjoy myself in 2010 because I was lost in finishing up props after props. -rambles- Bottomline is, I really wish to sing in a concert with a complete set of choral repertoire one day. When will it arrive I don’t know, I don’t actually have an official performing choir to sing with now except for Evokx.
Suddenly I can’t wait for December to come. Evokx concert, and we’re gonna get the Chung Cheng High Main Youth Alumni Choir started. (But we have too long a name - school name is long, and we are aiming to be a separate entity from the alumni choir which consists of… above 45 year olds.)
Taking a trip back to Chung Cheng tomorrow to catch up with the choir. This is so gonna build onto the sudden nostalgia.
Hi sheep, I am the shepherd that you were supposed to have.
As I look back upon my first half of the year I agreed with what Caleb told the unit today. We have been lost and stagnated, stagnated and lost. I have been lost and stagnated as well, and stagnated and lost.
I’m sorry we didn’t even have the chance to embark on our shepherd and sheep journey together. I’m sorry I wasn’t the kind of shepherd that gave my all in order to retain you from leaving. I’m sorry for myself that I lost one of God’s precious flock. But I still miss you. And my heart hurts when you are no longer responding.
I ask myself if my heart is hardened. This year was so much harder, yet so little tears. Perhaps I have started to shrivel and dry up on the inside? People around me leave church one by one in the name of studying. Do I not feel tempted by the trend? I am only human and I have to admit that I do. God is testing me through and through this year especially.
I guess I just have to admit to someone, anyone, that I am struggling. It’s not a glorious struggle, I’m not proud that I’m struggling with so many issues. Sometimes I hate myself for this, sometimes I get angry at myself for being like this, sometimes I find no hope in myself in this situation.
It’s been a difficult 6 months. Much has happened. Just a quick summary of what I experienced - sort of got a sheep/ she was my first sheep/ sheep left/ more bulletins/ choir SYF/ choir politics/ block tests/ grandma passed away/ dad got into an accident/ evokx… Okay what’s the point. What’s the point what’s the point what’s the point.
I think the problem with me now is that I’m missing the point. God.
Sometimes a good day doesn’t require much to be attained. All you need is some laughter, more laughter, and continued laughter.
At least that’s what happened today.
Classy matcha/adzuki bean roll for breakfast with Heyong at a non-classy bench. First bouts of laughter: laughing about some ridiculous actions of a ridiculous person, laughing over a ridiculous video, laughing at my ridiculous imitation of Toh’s favourite posture on the sofa, laughing at our (or rather my) lame Tween Dusk joke.
Resumed our daily roles as typical ‘kiasu’ Singaporeans outside the library. Second bouts of laughter: laughing about ourselves… and just laughing over silly topics.
Revenge on Sonia brought the longest and hardest third bout of laughter. Laughed forever when planning revenge on her, laughing while executing our evil plan, and kept laughing even until moments after that. We changed her facebook profile picture.
Sonia came, more laughter. I can’t even count now. She got agitated and texted Toh on impulse. Toh ignored her and whatsapped me instead. But Toh decided to be nice (wow) and agreed be our personal shopper (yesssssssssss). Some heartmelting moments with Melo but Sonia couldn’t stop interrupting with her corny thoughts. Still, more laughter.
Laughed at dinner at our favourite hangout, spilling matcha sauce everywhere.
Laughed while being aunties at a fake Cath Kidston stall.
Laughed while still being aunties at a Mango sale.
Laughed while comparing Sweetalk aunties.
Laughed all the way home.
And today I thank God for these girls (okay and Toh since he’s mentioned) in my life. It adds a whole lot of meaning to it.
I don’t understand why people are judging me according to their own yardsticks and books of rules and regulations over my decision to join Evokx. I don’t see a need, and I don’t see a link.
I already said before, singing is something I will never give up on. I’ve missed out on a year of music because of fear of such judgements and I will not fear anymore. Is it a crime to sing? You tell me.
Don’t judge me. You aren’t supposed to. You aren’t allowed to.
A (few) song(s) to sing.
My dream after A’s: execute the plan of birthing the Chung Cheng High Main Youth Alumni Choir. It’s gonna be messy, it’s gonna be hard, it’s gonna be complicated, it’s gonna be tricky…but we never know if we don’t try.